me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
You Might Also Like
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?