Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
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idk flipping houses looks really hard
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.