Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question