Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing