The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
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On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey