A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
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the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit