In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Yup.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.