Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
who wants to go expliring
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
what’s more important?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.