I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
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Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
we’re dead?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
i love meeting boys on tinder
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
me hooking up with my ex
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.