A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
#oldknees
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”