You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
B
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.