Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
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Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why