Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Get in loser we’re going crying
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.