‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Can’t, holding a grudge
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING