I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
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Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?