SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.