According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.