“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
You Might Also Like
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.