*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I feel this so hard
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
☺️
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.