Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
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My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
not seeing the problem
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
You had me at “define legal”.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.