I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.