You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute