Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
barbara was highly relatable
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Squirrels before girls.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!