Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me trying to look natural in photos
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.