How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
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My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
is this meant to deter me
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁