3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Everyone’s family
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.