If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”