“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
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My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Lmao
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Good morning!