i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.