Thursday Thought.
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My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.