[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
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Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery