Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
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A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop