I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
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Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil