I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
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*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here