Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
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JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?