According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
#Caturday