Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.