Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.