haha same
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[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””