i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
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spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.