My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
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my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
new shirt idea
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.