Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.