The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
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assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
💯😂
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat