Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Geez man, take it easy.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
He’s cranky this morning
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]