Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”