Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

This is amazing.

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down