Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
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So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
motivation
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel