ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Poetry is my passion
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS