POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’