professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.